was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
