she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
