hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize