Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
