just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
