Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize