Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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