I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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