I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
