Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
