I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
