the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize