Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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