I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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