Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
