I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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