I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
