My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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