you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
