was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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