stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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