I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
