So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Barsexuality is the new black.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
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