i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
How external is "for external use only"?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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