Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
