Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize