Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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