I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize