Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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