Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
