I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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