Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
