I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
