I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
