While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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