Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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