My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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