I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
