I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize