The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
