I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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