woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
