I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
