every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
