rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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