my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
You've changed since you got that strap on
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