Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
