I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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