I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
