she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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