I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
