Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
