From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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