i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
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