i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
