just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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