A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
