Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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