You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
