he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
we're making bets on your personal life
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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