I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
